Here we're parodying Conservapedia, and we know we're exaggerating.

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The American Civil War was a war between the Southern states who wanted to be free to keep their slaves, as they worried Abraham Lincoln would abolish slavery [1][2], and the Northern states who wanted to preserve the Union.

The beginning

It all started in the 1850's. The North was a very nice place, where white and black people lived happily with each other. The birds sang, the bees hummed, and flowers were all over the place (Obviously this is not actually the case; black Northerners were subject to racism but not enslavement).

In the meantime, the dark empire of the South was a nasty, evil place, where racist rich landowners held black slaves, because they were too lazy to work themselves. In the meantime, they said that the black were lazy, so they felt good about themselves. This, however, happens daily on Conservapedia

Something about Kansas

Then, both the North and the South wanted to add the state of Kansas to their territory, probably to increase their size. The Northerners were good, friendly liberal free-soilers. So they wanted to talk about it, and form a committee on this problem. But the damned Southerners, who were evil,social conservative redneck democrats (believe it or not, the Democrats were once a Southern Party) took their weapons and began to shout "yeeeee-haaaaw!". Then they shot at the poor Northerners. Now that wasn’t nice at all.

"DeSoto, I don't think we'll win Kansas anymore."- Southern General at Topeka

The South started the war

Then Abraham Lincoln, who was a moderately liberal Republican (, said "No more, stupid Southerners!". The Republicans were the Liberal political party back in the day, believe it or not). The Southerners got mad, and their politicians began to start a new country, called the Confederate States of America. It was headed by Jefferson Davis.

Hostilities began on April 12, 1861, when the evil racist Southern forces attacked a Northern installation at Fort Sumter in South Carolina. Lincoln decided to stop this. Lincoln organizied a large volunteer Liberal army, which was about to form some more committees. Then four more damned racist redneck Southern states declared their secession.

In 1862, battles such as Shiloh and Antietam caused massive casualties unprecedented in U.S. military history. The only problem we have is with those poor Northern boys. In September 1862, Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation made ending slavery in the South a war goal, and that was very nice of him.

So Abraham Lincoln used the mobilized army and for 4 years there was war. The Southern troopers were really nasty. They ate babies and raped innocent elderly people. In Kentucky, 6 innocent clowns where brutally taken hostage by the evil Southern rednecks. They were tortured, like in that movie Hostel. You should see it sometime. At about 10:15 pm on April 14, 1865, while watching a play at Ford’s Theater, Abraham Lincoln was murdered by an evil guy named John Wilkes Booth, a Confederate actor who was angry about the South’s collapse. He also hired his henchmen, Lewis Powell, David Herold and George Atzerodt, to also kill Secretary of State William Seward at his mansion and Vice President Andrew Johnson at the Kirkwood Hotel. But while Booth prepared his opportunity to shoot Lincoln at Ford’s Theater, two of the three murders failed; Atzerodt never made an attempt to kill Johnson hy getting drunk and abandoned his assignment as Powell only managed to disfigure the bedridden Seward at his mansion. Lincoln’s death completed Booth’s plan. Booth hoped that killing Lincoln would save the South, but that plan backfired as he too was assassinated in a tobacco barn by a Union corporal named Boston Corbett on April 26, 1865, just two weeks after Lincoln’s Assassination. In the coming months after the deaths of Lincoln and Booth, four of the eight remaining conspirators (Lewis Powell, David Herold, George Atzerodt, and Mary Surratt) were sentenced to be executed on July 7, 1865.

Victory to the North

Anyway, in 1865, the great, liberal North won (hurray!). Good doesn’t always triumph over evil, but this time, it did. The Southern Negroes were freed and the 13th Amendment banned most slavery, and Juneteenth! saw the last of the Confederates' slaves find out they were free. But black people still had to live with some damned rednecks and with Jim Crow and penal slavery. The rednecks could not stand it that their asses had been kicked. So the Southerners started the KKK, and began to set houses of innocent, unarmed people on fire. That is of course the bravest thing for a Southerner to do.

And that is how it all ended. Ever since, the Southerners still think they sort of won the war, but we know better and keep some descendants of General Sherman and Thomas and Grant around just in case we need to remind them.

In retrospect

Basically we have no idea what would have happened if the South had won, although we can logically speculate. Imagining alternative histories can be fun but is a bit irrelevant. It's the real world we have to deal with.

It may have actually been better if the South had won the war. Because of the Northern victory, America is plagued with Conservatism. If the South had won, the North might be more Liberal, and it might politically and culturally resemble Canada.

In the South, slavery may have eventually died out. With the rise of factories and machinery, keeping slaves would lose its economic value. The South would still be behind the North in terms of social progress. Today, Africans would likely be faced with Segregation and be otherwise discriminated against.

Overall, the United States might actually be more liberal. Since conservatives would essentially have no competition, and would enact conservative laws, Southern conservatives might start to see the flaws in their policies. Because of this, they might start to adopt more liberal policies in some areas. Division of the country into a conservative country and a more liberal country might be what it will take for conservatives to see that the policies they enact are bad.

The winners write history

It should be remembered that the winners write history. Since the Union States won the Civil War, their point of view is better known in the populace. The former Union States are also more liberal today, so what is taught about the North and South could be a biased point of view. The Northerners were not all these great heroes altruistically fighting to end the oppression of black people. There is another side to the Civil War that should be considered. Some northerners fought altruistically to free the slaves, others fought to force the South to stay in the union, some fought for both. Despite this if The North had continued to accept slavery The South would never have wanted to leave the Union. Therefore The North fighting altruistically to free the slaves was at least partly true.

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