Sometimes the sillier Conservatives can't even tell when we're joking.
Here we're parodying Conservapedia, and we know we're exaggerating.

Hi! I'm Andy! Would you like me to *educate* your children?

A private U.S. citizen, ultraconservative activist, and totalitarian dictator of Conservapedia, Andrew Schlafly (the spawn of conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly, brother of conservative activists Bruce, Roger, and Liza Schlafly ... see a pattern?) possesses little academic credibility[1] or knowledge, save how to slip past his opponents arguments like thin air. He is severely homophobic and is suspected of being a closet homosexual but has problems admitting his sexuality, unlike his brother! Homosexual activists object to this as insulting to millions of self-respecting homosexuals, like his brother.

Andrew Schlafly is also the editor and horrible dictator in charge of Conservapedia. He rules Conservapedia and blocks all unfortunate little editors who can't agree with him all the time (or in other words, when the little editors are correct) and are too high principled to pretend they agree. To understand him better try reading Control Freak and Ferrous Cranus.

Also, he has a hilariously stupid-sounding voice, as shown in the above video link. Not unlike a "diarrhea-gargling muppet" with a foot over its throat, as some have said.

Early Life

Andrew as a teenager

Phyllis Schlafly Claimed that she had never had sex when Andrew was born and that he was an example of an immculate conception. However God disputed this and demanded a DNA test in 1997. The test proved that God was not the father and Schlafly had to pay $87,000 in damages.

She later clarified that she had meant to say that she had not had sex with her husband before Andrew was born, instead she had been busy making sweet sweet gross love with 600 men who she drugged. And we can all pretend someone was born in Kenya.


The foul and evil Witch Upright and honest Republican lady Phyllis Schlafly homeschooled the little boy Andy till he was seven.

Up to the age of 7 Andy learnt only sound Conservative values. Aaahhh!

  1. Did this traumatise him?
  2. Did this improve him and help to make Andy the man he is today?

You just take a peek at what Andy is like today and decide that yourself.


Andrew as an adult

Andrew Schlafly felt angry that, at least in his mind, Wikipedia is biased towards a certain group of peoples' political point of view. So angry was he at this bias that he felt the need to create his own biased "encyclopedia". The final straw for Schlafly came when one of his students turned in a paper which used (gasp!) the Common Era system as opposed to the Christianity-based Anno Domini system. Unable to tolerate this outrageous affront to the great religion that is Christianity use of secular terminology, Andy asked the student where he got his information, he discovered that it was Wikipedia.

He started Conservapedia, where he can claim that Wikipedia is anti-American because it allows the use of the Metric system. After all Neocons hate the truth contained in Liberapedia., at the very least they don't get the Jokes because they don't understand "sense of humour". Conservatives need a place where they can add to conservative propaganda freely without interference. That is why Andy and the Petty tyrants under him ban users from his site that won't help compose strictly conservative propaganda. They try to prevent anyone posting the actual truth there (for example, the Atheist page is locked). They don't always succeed!

Basically, Conservapedia is merely a Joke Webshite without a good punchline. What can you expect from people who can't understand humour? At least Andy has a place where he can cry because people exist who do not think exactly the same way he does.

A little known fact about Andy is that he is an adult baby who can't go a day without his mommy nursing him.

Reproduction of Mr.Schlafly

Here we're parodying Conservapedia, and we know we're exaggerating.

What Google thinks of the Schlafly masterpiece that is Conservapedia

Due to the fact no woman wants to be (who wants to never leave the kitchen?) with Andy, he is forced to do something different than the old fashion way in order to reproduce. It is called (tense music plays in the background)... HOMESCHOOLING! Yes, that's right. All the homeschooled teenagers become little Schlaflys. When the students are through being educated by Assfly and are about to go to college to receive proper education, he does something that makes them conservatives for life.

If Andy taught in a real school...

In his secret lab, he clones his own (little) brain, he takes the students while they're asleep, he drags them into his lab and then he surgically removes their old brain and inserts his own. After that, they can't be saved. He has done that with 170(!) students. That's the way he reproduces. His victims are physically the same, but mentally, they're an Andy Confly.

Seriously when his students grow up they'll find out how everyone except the hardcore Conservatives laughs at Conservapedia and we hope some of them will come to see what rubbish they've been taught.


[citation needed]

Here is the sum total of what 'Andy' says, compiled for you into one nifty sentence:

"Did you know that while making their Parthian shots, 95 percent of all deceitful liberals censor classroom prayer on behalf of evolution? Godspeed!"

"When I feel afraid I just do a little blow and cry in the fetal position"

"Non-liberal deceit is rare and you may not be able to find any."

Not really a quote, but Andy has only one laughing face.

"The hands and the people and the people and the hands"

"No...but I have thought about it" (said when asked by reporter if he ever kissed a boy)

"That Hitler had some pretty neat ideas!"

See Also

External links