Here we're parodying Conservapedia, and we know we're exaggerating.

This article is about the conservative party in the United Kingdom. For the American party, please see GOP

It's a tree! We care about trees!

The Conservative Party or Tory Party is the British manifestation of the New World Order and pure unadulterated evil and it is spearheaded by David Cameron. Hypocritically they pretend to care about trees but they don't care so much about babies born to poor mothers, it is feared many babies will face an unhealthy start to life through government cuts, see Benefit cuts 'threaten to increase babies in poverty'.

Single parents

It has been called "the prosecutors of single parents." In recent years, this somewhat limited mandate has expanded to include persecuting immigrants, the unemployed, environmentalists, the unemployed, the working class, the unemployed and did we mention the unemployed?

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill was a member of this party but we have forgiven him for that because he saved the world from Hitler. Also Sir Winston flipped between Conservative and Liberal during his career. So we tend not to dwell on Churchill the Imperialist, or Churchill the crusher of trade unions, but concentrate on Churchill the wartime coalition leader.


Members of this party are traditionally called "Tories," a name they tried to ditch in the mid-19th Century when they re-branded the party as the more moderate sounding "Conservative" to assuage the blood guilt of the Irish Potato famine (over a million Irish people starved to death, not because there wasn't enough food to relieve the famine, but because the then Tory government taxed food imports). This looks rather like Genocide.

Hilariously, their current motto is "Vote for Change". Do they not know what "Conservative" means?

Policies and beliefs

They tend to be the party of the rich and don't look after poor people very well. They also have a long history of opposing radical ideas, especially taxpayer-funded schemes such as Old age pensions, Unemployment benefit, and Healthcare. But they usually have the good sense to support such things once they are implemented and popular. So unlike American Republicans, the British Conservative party accepts Universal health care (as American Republicans probably will ten years after it has happened).

Unlike their US counterparts, British Conservatives are a coalition of social and economic Conservatives with an emphasis on the economic rather than social, though they are all somewhat nationalistic with traditionally a big streak of xenophobia and other prejudices. Creationists and other religious fundamentalists are rare in the United Kingdom, and whilst the Tories will happily take their votes, they wouldn't want to scare off the voters by exposing such support to the light of day. Actually, few British Conservatives are actually stupid enough to believe such clap-trap.

In theory "moral" issues such as the death penalty, divorce, gay rights, animal rights (hunting) and abortion are not party political issues in the UK and MPs vote on the them according to their consciences. But as Tory grandee Norman Tebbit allegedly said "no-one with a conscience votes Conservative". So as one would expect, most Conservatives MPs take a conservative line on such issues, unless they are in a marginal seat and want to foster a "liberal" reputation with floating voters. Almost all reforms on those issues have taken place under Labour rather than Conservative Governments, mostly in the late 1960s when Roy Jenkins was Home Secretary in the last Labour Government that any progressive could admire.

Alternatives to the Tories

The following is a list of Political Parties most intelligent people would rather see in power than the Conservatives:

  • Labour
  • Liberal Democrat
  • Party of Wales
  • Social Democratic & Labour Party
  • Ulster Unionist Party
  • Democratic Unionist Party
  • Respect Coalition
  • Independent Kidderminster Hospital & Health Concern
  • Scottish Green Party
  • Alliance Party of N.Ireland
  • Progressive Unionist Party
  • Green Party in N.Ireland
  • Green Party of England & Wales
  • Boston Bypass Independents
  • Community Action Party
  • Community, London Borough of Hounslow
  • English Progressive & Liberty Party
  • Heald Green Ratepayers
  • Idle Toad
  • Isle of Wight Party
  • Mebyon Kernow
  • Mens Representative Party
  • Middlewich First
  • Ms GB Party
  • Money Reform Party
  • Morecambe Bay Independents
  • Mums Army
  • Raving Looney Party
  • Residents Associations of Epsom & Ewell
  • People Against Bureaucracy Group
  • Popular Alliance
  • SOS! Against Overdevelopment of Northampton
  • Social Democratic Party
  • South Tyneside Progressives
  • Southampton First
  • Wessex Regional Party

General Election and after

During the 2010 British General Election, the Conservative Party won more seats than any other party. Partly this was due to not having been in power for over a decade and therefore being able to blame every disaster of that decade on the ruling Labour Party (a trait which, of course, is exhibited by both sides). Partly this was because voters thought New Labour had made a bit of a mess of things, and partly because the British Electoral system gave them more seats than their vote deserved. Having won the most seats of any party, Conservative supporters loudly claimed victory despite the fact that the British Constitution demands that the winning party have an overall majority in Parliament (i.e. more seats than the other parties combined) and, as sitting Prime Minister, Gordon Brown was entitled to try forming a coalition government first, but to get a majority without the Conservatives he needed a deal with about seven political parties, including not just the Liberal Democrats but also the Scottish National Party, and some of his own supporters were not prepared to contemplate that. In the end, the Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg, cut a deal with David Cameron and the two parties now govern in a coalition, though some right wing Conservatives would clearly rather be in opposition. The coalition-supporting Liberals have claimed that Liberal support acts as a mitigating factor on Tory impulses. Given that the coalition government have enacted the most radically right-fringe policies in post-war British history, this could only possibly be true if the Conservatives had been led by Jack The Ripper.

Government policies

Cameron and the more libertarian Conservatives have agreed with the Liberal Democrats to get rid of the ID card and to run the prison services in a more progressive way emphasising rehabilitation. Whilst this is generally welcomed by progressives (including some labour supporters who weren't proud of how right wing and authoritarian New Labour were in office), it is anathema to the hang 'em and flog 'em brigade on the Tory right.

Economic policies

On economics it would at first glance be difficult for the coalition to be much more right wing than New Labour, which kept Thatcher's low 40% tax on the rich throughout over a decade in power. however there is a real tension between the Tory right who want major tax concessions for rich people, especially over inheritance, and the Lib Dems who want a more progressive taxation system that doesn't tax low earners at all, by not taxing the first £10,000 of annual income. Since New Labour practically bankrupted the country by illegal wars and other such foolishness economics is going to be a tricky area for the coalition. Also, they complained about unemployment under Labour. To counter this, they have used sensible measures for job creation made 490,000 public sector workers redundant. In addition, they have gone after the welfare state like Genghis Khan with a hangover, indiscriminately cutting benefits to the poor, unemployed and especially to the sick and disabled in a way which suggests that their approach to the sick and disabled will be genocide by neglect. Even the arch-conservative London mayor, Boris Johnson, has described their cuts to welfare benefits as "social cleansing".

Divisions within the coalition

Fault lines within the Coalition also include the replacement for the Trident Nuclear weapon system, with the military and some Tories arguing that this shouldn't come out of the defence budget, and the Lib Dems arguing that it should be counted as defence expenditure (especially those who don't support it as sensible use of defence money). If the Lib Dems win that argument we could yet see a Conservative Government scaling back or even cancelling their beloved Trident rather than give up other big boys toys such as the new attack submarines and Aircraft carriers. Alternatively we could see the coalition result in the Conservatives introducing draconian policies and the used-to-be-Liberals vote for them. Not coincidently, Liberal Democrat party support has nose dived.

External links