Richard Bruce Cheney
408px-Richard Cheney 2005 official portrait.jpg
Mr. Cheney
Political party:: Republican
Education: Yale University

University of Wyoming (BA, MA) University of Wisconsin-Madison

Religion United Methodist
Born January 30, 1941
We sometimes like to mix parody and satire with good information. We know you're smart enough to tell the difference.

Richard Bruce "Dick" "Head" Cheney (born January 30, 1941) is a former United States Vice President and war criminal. [1] [2] Cheney is well known as comic Sidekick to the equally comic George W. Bush.

How he Got There

While George W. Bush was busy on the campaign trail and Jeb Bush was busy looking for ways to disenfranchise people, Cheney was busy running a vice-presidential nominee search committee.  However, probably due to narcissism, Cheney said that there was nobody as good as he was.  Believe it or not, he got the job. 

Not an entity

In mid-2007, the Office of the Vice President asserted that Cheney is not an "entity within the Executive branch." House Democratic Leader Rahm Emanuel quickly agreed to Cheney's assertion and threatened to cut off all his Executive funding.

On June 18, 2007, Emanuel also asserted that Cheney, as the fourth branch, should move out of his official residence at One, Observatory Circle. "He should return the salary the American taxpayers have been paying him since January 2001, and move out of the home for which they are footing the bill."

He's so clearly and cartoonishly evil that we imagine even his friends call him "Darth" though they risk getting shot.

Shooting His Friend in the Face!

Yes, we're sometimes imaginative, but we hope you will understand when we're joking.

Cheney's hobbies included golfing, fishing, and playing naked twister with Osama and Saddam. Dick is also an effective man-hunter, with tons of kills under his belt. He was finally caught one day after he tried to shoot a hardy victim in the face with a shotgun. The victim survived and tried to warn the public of the maniac. But Cheney just used his dark magic to brainwash the media into dropping it.

Seriously Shooting Someone in the Face!!

This part of the article is serious.

Shooting "friends" in the face, isn't usually a sign of a good Vice President - he also got another "friend" committed for perjury and then tried to have him pardoned [3]. Americans know that Cheney is such a poor shot that he nearly killed his friend. Many feel it isn't safe to let someone like that loose with a gun. People from other lands will be surprised to learn it. Yes, the former Vice President shot his friend in the face. Yes, the former Vice President is a feeble shot but didn't have enough sense to leave his gun at home. As the Vice President of the United States, he had control of American nuclear weapons if the president was incapacitated. Fortunately, Cheney didn't mess up with American nuclear weapons the way the did with his gun.

Dick Cheney may not have been the very worst Vice president in US History since Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton and killed him too. Burr wasn't the type of Vice President any responsible political figure should try and imitate was he?

Larry the Cable Guy joked that while Cheney literally shot his friend in the face, Bill Clinton "shot his intern in the face." Not the same thing, but ok...


A holder of $18 million in Halliburton stock, he has helped funnel $11 billion worth of government contracts to Halliburton. Cheney insists, however, that he has no financial stake in Haliburton.[2]

Hurricane Katrina

Hurricane Katrina made landfall on August 29, 2005.

Vice President Dick Cheney on the night of August 30, 2005, and again the next morning, personally called the manager of the Southern Pines Electric Power Association and ordered him to divert power crews to electrical substations in nearby Collins, Mississippi that were essential to the operation of the Colonial Pipeline, which carries gasoline and diesel fuel from Texas to the Northeastern United States.[3] The power crews were reportedly upset when told what the purpose of the redirection was since they were in the process of restoring power to two local hospitals, but did so anyway.

That order - to restart two power substations in Collins that serve Colonial Pipeline Co. - delayed efforts by at least 24 hours to restore power to two rural hospitals and a number of water systems in the Pine Belt.[3]

In a 'hell fucking yeah moment', on 090805 in Gulfport, Mississippi ER physician, Ben Marble, M.D., gave The Dick a dose of his own medicine by saying "Go Fuck Yourself Mr. Cheney" on live international television thereby ruining The Dick's lame attempt to whitewash the blatantly inadequate response to the storm.


"War criminals and torture-promoters aren’t known for their empathy." [4]

Waterboarding is a form of torture that consists of immobilizing a person on their back with the head inclined downward and pouring water over the face and into the breathing passages. Through forced suffocation and inhalation of water, the subject experiences the process of drowning and is made to believe that death is imminent.

In an interview on October 24, 2006, by radio host Scott Hennen of WDAY, Cheney supported the use of waterboarding:[5]

Hennen: And I've had people call and say, please, let the Vice President know that if it takes dunking a terrorist in water, we're all for it if it saves American lives. Again, this debate seems a little silly given the threat we face, would you agree?

Cheney: I do agree. And I think the terrorist threat, for example, with respect to our ability to interrogate high-value detainees like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, that's been a very important tool that we've had to be able to secure the nation.

Cheney claimed that waterboarding was not torture ("We don't torture.")[5] However, the U.S. State Department has recognized that other techniques that involve submersion of the head of the subject during interrogation would qualify as torture.[6]. There's also the small fact that waterboarding had been considered torture ever since the Spanish Inquisition (yes, them) invented it five-hundred years earlier. The Inquisition, being more honest about such things, even called it "the drowning torture."

The United Nations' Report of the Committee Against Torture: Thirty-fifth Session of November 2006, stated that state parties should rescind any interrogation techniques, such as waterboarding, that constitutes torture or cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment.[7]

Cheney also claimed in the interview that Congress had approved "...a fairly robust interrogation program..." when it passed the Military Commissions Act of 2006.[5] Unfortunately, he might be correct, because the Act gutted US laws prohibiting torture, although the legality of the Act is in question on both Constitutional grounds and the fact that it might conflict with international treaties. Treaties confirmed by the Senate have the force of law.

Fourth branch of the government?

Cheney refused to comply with an executive order regulating the handling of classified information by claiming he wasn't part of the Executive branch of the government but was part of the Legislative branch because the Vice President is also President of the Senate.[8] However, other times when he has been asked to comply with various congressional requests and orders, Cheney has claimed Executive branch privilege because he's the Vice President. Eventually, we imagine Cheney settled on founding a Fourth branch of government called the Dark Warlocks, in which Cheney and Mr. Karl Rove reside.[9]


The Real Dick Cheney


The Real Dick Cheney (Eminem Parody - with lyrics)

So true

See also

External links

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  • He really likes hunting


  1. Cheney Dismisses Critic With Obscenity, The Washington Post, June 25, 2004, Accessed 2008-07-16
  2. Contract Sport, The New Yorker, February 16, 2004, Accessed 2008-07-16
  3. 3.0 3.1 Maute, Nikki D. "Power crews diverted." Hattiesburg American. September 11, 2005. Retrieved on July 15, 2006 (copy available at Newsdesk).
  4. Dick Cheney: Even bigger monster than you thought
  5. 5.0 5.1 5.2 Interview of the Vice President by Scott Hennen, WDAY at Radio Day at the White House, The Vice President's Office,, 2006-10-24, Accessed 2008-07-16
  6. *U.S. Department of State. In its 2005 Country Reports on Human Rights Practices, the U.S. Department of State formally recognizes "submersion of the head in water" as torture in its examination of Tunisia's poor human rights record, U.S. Department of State, 2005, Tunisia, Country Reports on Human Rights Practices
  7. Report of the Committee Against Torture: Thirty-fifth Session (14 - 25 November 2005); Thirty-sixth Session (1-19 May 2006), United Nations Publications, p.71, isbn=92-1-810280-X
  8. White House Defends Cheney's Refusal of Oversight, The Washington Post, June 23, 2007, Accessed 2008-07-16
  9. Cheney: The Fourth Branch?, CBSNews, July 4, 2007, Accessed 2008-07-16