London is the capital of England and also of the UK, located in the southeast. The current Mayor of London is Sadiq Khan [1].

Boris Johnson, London's former Mayor, a queer sort of chap who likes the ladies.

Popular perception of London

Many people have some moronic idea that we're stuck in the 19th Century, but we're not (that's probably Americans jealous because there are less than 4,000 gunfire crimes each day. [2]

^ You ain't know real deal, dun kno


London used to be known as "The Smoke" and was famous for pea souper fogs that killed all Vegetation except for London planes and privet hedges. At that time the Thames (pronounced Tems) was an open sewer and stank. As the river flows east through London to the sea and the prevailing wind is from the Southwest the cleaner more salubrious quarters were all in the west and southwest of the city. In the 19th Century London became divided between a wealthy West End (theatre, Palaces and call girls) and a poor East End (think Jack the Ripper, working class streetworkers and the docks). With the arrival of the Train and tube in the late 19th Century and early 20th Century the Middle classes moved to ever more distant suburbs which formed a continous ring around London, leaving the bulk of the inner city to the Poor.

In the second half of the 20th Century environmental legislation was introduced and now the air is relatively clean, there are salmon and the occasional whale in the Thames. They try to make their city a little bit green, even building roof gardens when there isn't space for plants on the ground. [3]

London is turning inside out - many of the poorest areas are being gentrified whilst the poor are being priced out to the shabbier suburbs. Many poor Londoners can't find affordable places to live in their community and have to leave London.

Actual London

It's an ordinary city, just like New York, or Tokyo, but with more chavs and Bangladeshis. However, as London is very historical and was built before cars were deemed possible, roads had to be inserted at a later date, causing monumental traffic problems. Well it is worth noting that New York was built after roads were possible and still has monumental traffic problems, and let's not even get into the world's biggest live-action game of Tetris that is the Tokyo commute.


Westminster is in London in the United Kingdom. The British Houses of Parliament are there. Also the residence of the British Prime Minister is at Westminster. Britain is ruled from Westminster.


The main tourist attractions in London are:

  • Buckingham Palace - Home of Queen Elizabeth II, vulgar and garish, but bigger than Graceland
  • Houses of Parliament - Home of corrupt politicians (and a few decent ones), with built in old peoples home known as the House of Lords
  • Tower Bridge - Possibly the most famous bridge in the world.
  • Big Ben - Definitely the most famous clock in the world.
  • Notting Hill Carnival, one of the biggest Caribbean carnivals in the world.
  • Greenwich - Home of some really mean time
  • The British Museum, loot from across the former British empire, and beyond
  • Hampton Court Palace - With 6 mothers in law and a large stash of antlers to display, was a thousand rooms that unreasonable?
  • The Globe theatre. London's only thatched roof building, check the weather forecast and prepare to be rained on

Yep, London has some amazing landmarks alright.

Pub Quiz fact: Big Ben is the name of the bell inside the clock, the actual clock itself is called St. Stephen.


We're also not all gay. That's just how we talk. People of London have an apparent inability to pronounce the letter 'L', and all their vowels seem to become 'A's. If you ever find yourself in London, this translator list may prove useful:

  • "Nats? Sawce? Andrads n fahsands??" - What would you like on your ice cream Sir? Any nuts, sauce or hundreds and thousands?
  • "Alma chizzit" - How much would that item cost to purchase?
  • "Oi Oi!" - Hello
  • "Cort a panda" - I would like a quarter pounder burger please.
  • "Eye-eels mek me lafarjik so I'm assband til Ibeefa" - My high heels make me feel slightly lethargic and as such I'm housebound until we visit Ibiza.

Or, if you get a really cool Londoner:

  • "Wud ya Adam n Eve that my trouble n strife is brown bread?" - Can you believe that my wife is dead? (Cockney rhyming slang)

See also


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