The penis is what a man puts inside various orifices, or if you want to get more technical, a part of the male reproductive apparatus in animals that practice sexual reproduction. It also lets men comfortably and dryly stand up when they pee, proving their superiority to women.

Magic tricks

A penis (with intact testicles) is an essential body part in order to become a Roman Catholic Priest, an Imam, and some species of rabbis and Protestant ministers [1]. From this, we can conclude that the penis acts as a spiritual antenna, picking up messages from God. The foreskin of the penis can interfere with these signals, so God instructed Abraham to perform circumcision on all males. Presumably, the often-embarrassing sexual antics of preachers such as Ted Haggard and Jimmy Swaggart was due to them getting messages from Satan, instead.

Mormon Theology dictates that penishood gives the right to obtain the priesthood and act in God's name. However, if there is no man around--and a detailed search must be done to ensure there are no penises nearby--a woman is able to temporarily act in God's name. She is then to confess to her bishop and try harder to look for a penis-holder next time.

In ancient China and other eastern Civilizations, the penis (with testicles) was an essential body part to be removed in order to serve very closely to the Emperor (as a eunuch), while the emperor is usually being revered as a god or son of god. Interpretations vary from a preventative measure against receiving signals from the foreign devil(s) to the adaptation of an antenna-free system, as well as to prevent said eunuch from hitting on the Emperor's various concubines.

Baby cream applicator

When not being used to receive supernatural instructions, the penis can be used to introduce male reproductive material ("sperm") into the female reproductive tract, where, if it combines with female reproductive material ("eggs"), it can develop into a fetus, and even perhaps a condition known as children (not the penis, the lucky and sacred sperm).

The magical process by which souls come into this picture is still being investigated. However many believe that since the penis is an "antenna, picking up messages from God", that the penis functions as an antenna for attracting souls as well.

You can interfere with this process by using an insulating antenna cover, or techniques that eliminate potential problems by other prevention at the source.

Intelligent design

In many animals (particularly mammals), the penis shows awkward evidence of unintelligent design, in that it also serves as a conduit for fluid excretion ("pee").

Also, the main plumbing is routed through a gland prone to swelling due to infection, which shuts off the flow.


Q: How do you know God was a civil engineer?
A: Because only a civil engineer would route a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area!

A fertile genitalia being linked to a fertile creative imagination, it is speculated that J. S. Bach had 23 children because his organ had no stops.


The curious thing about the Human penis is that sexual selection seems to have favored an unusually large penis[2] (perhaps a result of obligate bipedalism?) [3]; the human penis is, in proportion to the size of the body, one of the largest of all mammals, and certainly the largest among primates. Nevertheless, a perception in modern times (not necessarily echoed by ancient fashion) is that bigger is better, and as a general rule human males are never really satisfied with what they have. Therefore a large industry in penis enlargement products that don't work has sprung up. While the ads for products such as Enzyte (one of the most visible and lucrative of such products) tend to imply that they increase penis size, such mainstream ads are usually quite vague about what they're actually supposed to do, also hinting at increased stamina or staying power. (Email spam ads are rather less subtle.) Mechanical techniques, including subcutaneous fat injection by a surgeon or jelqing (essentially attempting to slowly stretch the penis), are used as well but are considered of dubious efficacy. Those who fear they suffer from small penis endowments are generally encouraged to practice their skills in table manners and tools of trade. So is everyone else.

As for the statistical reality behind human penis size, the consensus among reputable studies (not self-reported) is that the mean human erection is approximately 5.1-5.9 inches (12.9-15 cm) in length with a 95% confidence interval of 4.23-7.53 inches (10.7-19.1 cm).[4][5] The LifeStyles Condoms Average Penis Size Survey gives an average erect penis girth of 4.972 inches circumference (12.63 cm). Standard deviation was 0.508 inches (1.29 cm) or with 53.33% of the effective sample measuring between 4.725 inches (12 cm) and 5.118 inches (13 cm).[6] The average range of flaccid (limp, cold and/or soft) penis length was 3.4-3.7 inches (8.6-9.3 cm). [7]

More on size

Simple statistics predict that exactly half of all men will have a penis that is below average size (just as half will be larger - ignoring, of course, the men that are exactly at the median). Some men tend to compensate for feelings of inadequacy regarding the size of their member by carrying absurdly high caliber pistols, or buying very "large", powerful vehicles, like Hummers. Everyone enjoys a Hummer during sex.


There is also a noticeable connection between the shape of the erect penis and many buildings and monuments designed by male architects.[8]

One of the more humourous examples of penile statuary is the statue of St. Monica -- mother of St. Augustine -- at the intersection of Santa Monica Boulevard and Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica, California. The normal view of the statue is funny enough, but a closer view of the statue is hilarious.[9]

Comparison to religion

Religion is like a penis. It's okay to have one. But it's not okay to shove it down the throats of my children. And just because you have it doesn't make you superior to those who don't.[10]


According to Wikipedia (so it must be true), penis fencing means one of two things:

  • Male homosexual activity performed by bonobos
  • Or, the more weird awesome of the two, a "sport" practiced by some flatworms (genus Pseudobiceros).

As flatworms are hermaphroditic, they have both male and female genitalia. The practice, lasting up for an hour, involves the two flatworms attempting to inseminate each other (by having their sperm contact the mate's skin) while avoiding the same for them. This is even more exciting given that some species have two penises. Whoever wins gets to be the male.

See also


  1. But, if you are a Roman Catholic priest, you will be forbidden from using your penis for any purpose other than urination. Which means you will be forbidden from using your intact testicles for anything other than supplying testosterone (and a lifetime of pent-up frustration) to your body. Fortunately, if you transgress with member of your flock, you can always confess to one of your fellow priests who possibly also transgresses from time to time. Just one of the perks of being a Catholic priest.
  2. Editor is indulging in shameless wishful thinking.
  3. Another school of thought is that Humans, like other primates, are a soft-plug species -- their semen creates a plug over the cervix that can only be removed by a later male if his penis can produce a "sucking" action. This requires a snug fit in the vagina to achieve. The human vagina, meanwhile, is much roomier than that of other primates, due to the need for a birth canal wide enough to pass a newborn's ginormous skull. Thus, ultimately, men have big dicks because people have big Brains.
  4. Wessells, H.; Lue, T. F.; McAninch, J. W. (1996). "Penile length in the flaccid and erect states: guidelines for penile augmentation". The Journal of Urology 156 (3): 995–997.
  5. Chen, J.; Gefen, A.; Greenstein, A.; Matzkin, H.; Elad, D. (2000). "Predicting penile size during erection". International Journal of Impotence Research 12 (6): 328-333.
  7. Wessells, H., Lue, T.F. & McAninch, J.W. "Penile Length in the Flaccid and Erect States: Guidelines for Penile Augmentation" The Journal of Urology Vol. 156, Issue 3. (1996): 995-997.
  8. This may also be due to what nature demands from a tall tower in order for it to... oh, never mind.
  9. This intersection was once the western terminus of U.S. Highway 66, "The Mother Road" made famous in John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath. There was once a song with the lyric "Get your kicks on Route 66." Considering what one would find at the end of Route 66, one wonders... oh, never mind.
  10. Religion Is Like a Penis

Adapted from a deleted RationalWiki article

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